I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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