woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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