Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found your dick twin last night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
