mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
