Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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