I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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