Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
