Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i came on her dog
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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