She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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