i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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