this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
