My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
