Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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