Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
