"it" just moved
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
