i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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