i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
