In the future we'll all be gay
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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