I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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