I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
