What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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