I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
