My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
