What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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