i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
