There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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