I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
