Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
