is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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