I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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