is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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