I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
