Non-Jews are for practice
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
