Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
