Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you had me at cake vodka
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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