I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
