I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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