I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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