My friends, they love my intelligence
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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