Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
