Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
