I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize