I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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