I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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