hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
