He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
