I'm really into asian looking animals
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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