omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
