When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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