i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
