She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
