life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
