I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
