Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
