In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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