Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
