Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
