My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
