wanna go halves on a baby?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
