i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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