Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think your dad took our porno
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
