My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
