Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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