Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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