Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
