Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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