my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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