i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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