i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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