he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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