Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
