Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
