you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
