i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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