what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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